nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”