[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this