Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[shakes fist at other fist]
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside