My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious