My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*