My first son he is wonderful
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name