@IvoryGazelle: My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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@pippydrydocking: Sorry I went down on your moms sister at your BBQ... I guess you could say I'm... [lowers shades] An aunt-eater.
@CooperLawrence: Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
@brianbowman73: Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It's for birth control. Me: I didn't even know an arm could get pregnant.
@senorwinces: Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.