@IvoryGazelle: My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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@AGreaterMonster: *BUSTS DOWN DOOR* *Fires off jokes* *Kidnappers helpless in laughter* "..and that's how your granpappy saved baby Jesus." - Me, someday
@shariv67: No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
@iAmDelFreaky: *sticks hand into jean pocket* Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket? *checks other pocket and finds nuggets* Oh, ok.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.