My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?