“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
podcasts
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
courtroom exchange of the day
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent