“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
pictures of spider-man
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.