My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.