My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.