My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.