My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
You Might Also Like
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.