My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Happy Friday
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.