First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
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look at me when i’m typing to you
My wife gives the best headache.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”