My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
🤣🤣🤣
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Straight people are cancelled
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends