@TheSharona06: My Fitbit was delivered today. It's still sitting in the mailbox because I don't want to walk all the way out there.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
@suzieQ0007: 5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he'd suffocate'. I'm raising a problem solver you guys.
@cepheusjackson: MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry