My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”