Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-