My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
so weird how every mom was born today
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed