My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Before & after 😅
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger