Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf