My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no