@AndyAsAdjective: My fly was down the entire day & I didn't notice. So I'm taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that'll help cheer him up a bit.
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@tweetsauce: This is ridiculous: "www" contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is 'short' for, "world wide web."
@panmidwest: FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike? ME: doesn't ring a bell
@JanineEB4: People should come with disclaimers like: May cause drowsiness or Will end up sleeping w/your bf or May induce homicidal ideations
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.