Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
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Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut