@SteevUmc: My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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@decentbirthday: Friend: check out my conscience shell Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear* Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
@NicCageMatch: I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
@XplodingUnicorn: I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school. It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
@MelvinofYork: My daughter just straight up out of the blue said "daddy if you ever get shot I hope it's in the belly so your fat will save you" WTF