My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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Kids, do not try this at home!
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.