My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
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911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”