My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I’m an avid indoorsman.