My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Bless you
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no