@TheMichaelRock: My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
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@decentbirthday: cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
@phxguy88: A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
@iGreenMonk: She:I'm furious with my son He's playing Doctor with Neighbor's daughter He:Its curiosity about sex She:Sex? He's taken her appendix out
@hashtag_stacks: I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.