@TheMichaelRock: My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
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@SumbodyShootMe: My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war. Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.
@GrantTanaka: me: [banging head on wall] wife: honey is something wrong me: [sobbing] I'M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
@TheQuietPsycho: *getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out