adding to the discourse
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
set yourself free xox
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.