@djdarrellripley: My fortune cookie reads "I peed in your fried rice" and it's hand written...
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@WornOutMommy: I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day. Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
@iwearaonesie: wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok? me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on! wife:9, you're in charge
@ilyaschaeffer: Netflix would be a great dating site. "Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours."