@djdarrellripley: My fortune cookie reads "I peed in your fried rice" and it's hand written...
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@matt___nelson: [getting escorted out of zoo] "I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie"
@CauseWereDads: "Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!"nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I'll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
@OtherDanOBrien: ME: it's horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy GUY: you mean *wouldn't* ME: hahahahahaha you're sweet
@DrDogMD: Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me. DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?