My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My kitchen overserved me.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please