“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I鈥檝e had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can鈥檛 I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
An escape room, but it鈥檚 a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you鈥檙e over 40. Good luck!
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can鈥檛 be right.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[guy who鈥檚 about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you鈥檙e saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it鈥檚 stupid enough
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Thinking about Jeff