“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary