My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I think they could have phrased this better
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
termite twitter scares me
I have questions??
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
how it started vs how it ended
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The A string on my guit_r is flat