My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.