My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!