@JohnHilsen: My "friend" Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, "Adam."
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@AndyAsAdjective: Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn't see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
@jay_as_hell: choose one to drop: 1. acid 2. bass 3. out of college 4. the assault charges 5. that thun thun thun
@MotherJonestown: STAGES OF DRUNK: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don't wake up the cows.
@seejaylinco: please stop asking me to change my password, i'm getting tired of renaming my cat all the time