@Ristolable: My friend and I were talking about food and he said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like "I know you're not"
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@MarlonBrandNO: [First Date] "Okay don't let her know you're a tool shed" Waiter: Anything to drink? Date: a screwdriver please *My head slowly opens*
@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@myvisable: If a woman is bad at parking it's because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.