My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]