My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher