My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
You Might Also Like
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.