My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money