My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
You Might Also Like
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
My first child will be named New Folder.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.