@david8hughes: My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
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@Lisa_Laughs_: Me: I can't work today. Boss: Why? M: My grandma died. B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago. M: ... -Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
@blade_funner: Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts... Me: OK D:...so that I can start the operation. M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
@ashmensch: *guy getting eaten by a shark* Guy: I just wanted to say I'm Vegan. Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
@GianDoh: I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I'm back to square one.