My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription