Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!