My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Tier 3 meme
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction