My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
You Might Also Like
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
guys I’m going home
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Nose
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot