My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?