My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this