wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
You Might Also Like
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.