@djdarrellripley: My friend is gay, and that's his boyfriend, he's gay too...
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@abhorrent_wife: I'm at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
@BreadFoster: I "pet zone" girls. It's like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
@grammar_c**t: "I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."
@rebrafsim: [thrift store] Me: I'd like one thrift, please Cashier: sir, we sell used- Me: money is no object C: we don't- M: I need a thrift